Grey Shades of Fifty
by American Chimpanzee
Summary: Why is an actor IN a movie, but ON television?
1. Fifty Shades of Afterglow

_Just when you thought we couldn't take any more of your money, Barnum Books Ltd. proudly presents the following excerpt from the Nobel prize-winning novel **Grey** by E.L. James._

 **Chapter One: The Afterglow**

It's not easy being a handsome billionaire.

Case in point, I'm laying in bed after having had my way with the latest conquest _du jour_.

Women are a sensitive lot, and they tend to be even more sensitive after they've given a man their most precious possession: their dignity. So it's important to remember that after sex you must reassure her of her value as a human being.

AND you must do it without laughing.

I'm reminded of a recent victim... er... I mean, date. When I went to her apartment to pick her up for our night of sexual decadence and debasement, I was disappointed to find out she had a cat. I'll never forget how that ugly thing hissed and screeched and howled all night long.

The cat was pretty cute, though.

Good thing my date put out. I don't want to say she was easy, but I later found out her nickname at the apartment complex she lived at was "Doorknob." Everybody got a turn.

What was I rambling on about? Oh, yeah...

After sex, a woman might feel vulnerable. She might feel confused. She might feel like she doesn't want to leave. So what you say to her during the afterglow of sex is extremely important.

I suggest any one of the following phrases:

"Well, there's the door."

"Are _you_ still here?"

"Say, didn't you used to be Bruce Jenner?"

"You better leave before the beer wears off."

"Now that you've cleaned my pipes, how about cleaning my house?"

"You're older than I thought."

"Much older."

"Just how old are you?"

"You look just like Marilyn Monroe. I mean, how she looks now."

"I'm sure I've had sex with women uglier than you. I just can't seem to remember any."

"Want to see my rash?"

"Being with you is almost like being with a woman."

"Let's see who can get dressed and leave the fastest. You first."

"This is nice. The only thing that would make it nicer is if you were gone."

"The only thing that keeps this from being the perfect evening is that you're still on _this_ side of the door."

"Let me show you something from what I like to call my 'Jeffrey Dahmer' collection."

"I'll never lie to you. Mainly because I never plan on seeing you again."

"I can't wait to tell all my friends about this."

"Don't worry about getting pregnant. You can always blame it on someone else."

"If you promise not to tell my friends, I promise not to tell the dog-catcher."

"I don't regret one minute of the time I spent with you. I regret _every_ minute of the time I spent with you."

"In your case, it really _is_ doggy-style."

"I especially enjoyed it when I closed my eyes and pretended you were somebody else."

"Don't take this personally. I didn't."

"'Why buy the cow...' Oh, _now_ I get it!"

"Hey! _Where's_ my watch?"

"If I close my eyes, I can almost pretend you're not here."

"AIDS _schmaids."_

"Would you like to see the video?"

"I used to think I'd be happier alone. Now I'm sure of it."

"It was better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick... but not by much."

"Do I think you're pretty? Why can't you ask me something easier, like Algebra?"

"Of course I'm capable of saying 'I love you.' There's just nobody here I want to say it to."

"I used to think there was no such thing as bad sex. Boy, was I wrong."

"Get off the bed, Spot! Oh... it's you."

"Thanks for the sex. If you want to call it that."

"Take you home? Hey, I've already done _my_ part."

"Of course I'll call you. In fact, you'd better leave now so you won't miss it."

"What do you think this open sore is?"

" _No way!_ I'm sure if we had sex I'd remember it."

"I'll remember you every time I have to throw up."

"Would I have picked you if I hadn't been drinking? No."

"You can take your hat off now. What do you mean you're not wearing a hat?"

"Halloween must be your favorite holiday. Oh, no reason."

"But on the bright side, I bet you're _way_ smarter than a dog."

"When I'm with you, I feel like how the normal girl must have felt like on The Munsters."

"It's times like these that I envy the blind."

"Medical science could really help you. Well, maybe just Dr. Kervorkian."

"You remind me of a famous movie star. Lassie."

"If I had to choose between you and a man, of course I'd choose you. Maybe."

"It's a good thing you put out, because you're not going to get a guy with your looks."

"There's only one thing that would keep me from seeing you again. Your face."

"I smell bacon."

"You can leave now."

"No, really. You can leave now."

"Don't worry, the doctor at the free clinic said I shouldn't be contagious yet."

"Of course I used a rubber. My _lucky_ rubber!"

"Here's a drink Bill Cosby showed me how to make."

"That'll be fifty bucks."

"Laters, babe."


	2. Fifty Shades of Vaginitis

**A Public Service Announcement by Christian Grey**

I was looking through one of Ana's women magazines, because, if there's one thing I learned from Clint Eastwood in the movie _Heartbreak Ridge,_ it's that I should know my-for lack of a better word-enemy.

Sun Tzu, a Chinese general for the King of Wu, put it this way over two and a half thousand years ago:

 _If you know your enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles._

I know myself like I know the back of my hand ( _What The Heck Is THAT?_ ), but women (in general) and Ana (in particular) continue to be a mystery to me, and that's why (when nobody's looking) I'll occasionally open up a random woman's magazines and see what the competition is up to.

Except for Cosmopolitan.

I find that magazine _especially_ worthless when it comes to supplying its readership with accurate and helpful information, but-for any lawyers who might be reading this-that's just my opinion. Let me give you an example...

It seems that every other article in Cosmo are about tips on how a woman can drive her man wild in bed. They offer tricks and techniques and tactics, but, truthfully-between you and I-a man doesn't need all those tricks and techniques and tactics. Ladies, all you need to do to drive your man wild in bed is...

...say yes.

As Blue Collar comedian Ron White humorously pointed out, a woman doesn't need to flick her man's frenulum. All she needs to do is...

...show up.

But I digress...

As I was saying before I rudely interrupted myself, I was looking through one of Ana's women magazines, and I found an advertisement for a Vaginal Cream.

 _Hmmm_ , I thought to myself. _Vaginas._

The tag line for the product was:

 _After menopause, intercourse can be painful._

 _But it doesn't have to be._

And underneath, a picture of a pretty flower. It (the advertisement, not the flower) said:

 _Discover a prescription that can help:_

 _P- (conjugated estrogens) Vaginal Cream._

While "painful intercourse" might be a problem for some women after menopause, I found it amusing (in a scary way) that the cure is WAY worse than the, for lack of a better word, disease.

Here are some of the warnings and safety information the advertisement offered:

If a woman uses estrogen alone, she may increase her chances of getting cancer of the uterus.

If a woman uses this particular Vaginal Cream and her vagina starts to bleed unusually-as opposed to bleeding _usually_ , I suppose-then she should report it.

Report it?

To whom?

The FBI? The NSA? The TMZ?

The advertisement doesn't say.

A woman should not use estrogens, with or without progestins (whatever _they_ are), to prevent heart disease, heart attacks, strokes or dementia. However, if a woman _does_ use estrogens. with or without progestins, it might increase her risk of getting dementia. In other words, she's damned if she does and she's damned if she doesn't.

If a woman uses estrogen alone, it might increase her chances of having a stroke or getting single or multiple blood clots, but _if_ she uses estrogen _with_ progestins, that might just cause her to have a heart attack, a stroke, get breast cancer, blood clots, maybe none of the above, maybe all of the above, or maybe only some of the above.

The advertisement also warns that a woman shouldn't use their product if she has unusual vaginal bleeding, has or has had cancer, has had a stroke or a heart attack, has a bleeding disorder, is allergic to any or all of its ingredients, is pregnant, or even if she just _thinks_ she's pregnant.

So let me understand this, if you have any or all of these problems you shouldn't use this product, but if you don't have any or all of these problems... you STILL shouldn't use it, because this product might just give them to you.

Wow.

And we haven't even gotten to this product's _common_ side effects, which are: headaches, pelvic pains, breast pains, vaginal bleeding, and vaginitis.

Vaginitis?

I don't even know what vaginitis is.

I assume it has something to do with the vagina.

But I _do_ know this, the purpose of this cream-this _Vaginal_ Cream-is to make sex for the woman more pleasurable. Can someone please tell me how headaches, pelvic and breast pains, vaginal bleeding, and vaginitis put a woman in the mood for sex? In an intimate moment, all it takes for most women to lose the mood at a critical time is for the air conditioner to come on.

A doctor once told me that you don't want to have a woman's reproduction system before the age of fifty, and you don't want to have a man's reproductive system _after_ the age of fifty. Personally, I don't think I'd want to have a woman's reproductive system...

... _EVER_.


	3. Fifty Shades of Blind Dating

So you want to go on fifty shades of a blind date.

I applaud you, my friend. And you too, over there in the corner. Not only are you brave and daring, but you are also incredibly stupid. But don't worry. With the Christian Grey Guide to Dating Blindly, you will safely live to humiliate yourself time and time again. Here, take my hand. Oops, I didn't mean to put it there. Sorry. So don't be afraid. You're here because you have nothing to lose.

Nothing, but your self-respect.

Blind dating doesn't have to be the scary, confusing ordeal that most people find it to be. I would have said "most normal people," except most normal people have the sense not to go on blind dates. If the confusing descriptions of a potential date by your misguided friends and family leaves you a bit bewildered as to what the reality of the individual is, be bewildered no longer, my friend. You only have to go as far as the next section down to find what these descriptions really mean.

If they say your blind date is smart, that means it probably takes them an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.

If they say your blind date is cute, that means when they tried to enter an ugly contest the judges told them, "Sorry, no professionals."

If they say your blind date has nice hair, that means it's so unruly Moses couldn't part it

If they say your blind date is athletic, that means they perspire so much they made Right Guard turn left.

If they say your blind date is fashionable, that means their two favorite designers are Poly and Ester.

If they say your blind date is mature, that means they were born when the Dead Sea was only sick.

If they say your blind date has a nice house, it means their home is so small there's no room to complain.

If they say your blind date is frugal, that means if you break an arm on your date they'll take you to the airport for an X-ray.

If they say your blind date is bohemian, that means they'll have enough ear wax to make candles.

If they say your blind date has nice teeth, that means they didn't need braces, they needed railroad tracks.

If they say your blind date is fun, that means the first thing they usually do in the morning is go home.

If they say your blind date is thin, that means if they have dreadlocks you'll be able to turn them upside down and mop the floor.

If they say your date has nice eyes, that means their glasses will be so thick if you put them on backwards you'll be able to see what happened yesterday.

If they say everybody likes your blind date, that means they think safe sex is locking the car doors.

If they say your blind date is fun at parties, that mean they're like the Pillsbury Doughboy, everybody there will get a poke.

If they say, "What have you got to lose?", that means you've already lost.

I hope this will help you in determining just how "lucky" you're going to be in the future. This list is obviously far from complete, but I'm sure in time you'll "flesh it out," so to speak.

Any questions?

 _"What if my blind date tells me they're not like other people?"_

That means they'll disappoint you and won't let you punish them with your belt.

 _"What if they're ugly?"_

You'll just have to remind yourself that beauty is only skin-deep. Unfortunately, that's the part we're attracted to.

 _"What can I say to get them to like me?"_

Try "I'm rich" or "I put out."

 _"But I'm not and I don't."_

Gee, that's too bad.

 _"What if we-um, how can I put this delicately?-what if we have sex on our first date?"_

Do what I do, tell all your friends.

 _"But, you see, I'm really not very experienced in bed."_

What you lack in experience, my friend, can be more than compensated for with the purchase of a good belt.

 _"I'm scared."_

And well you should be. You're not _me_ , after all.

As we come to the end of our time together, I think it's safe to say that perhaps we have both learned a little something. You've learned not to look to me, a handsome billionaire businessman, as the example you'll never be able to live up to, and I've learned not to waste my time with losers like you. All I can say is, have faith in yourself. You can do anything I can do. Anything, that is, except get someone to join you.

For the men reading this, I'd like to touch on two subjects, and I'm not talking about breasts.

1) Foreplay.

Why bother?

2) The female orgasm.

Who cares?

If your blind date is thoughtful enough to fake an orgasm for you, you should thank her and then leave her a nice tip. If you think this generous gesture might make her feel like a prostitute, remember this: A prostitute isn't paid for sex, they're paid to _leave_ after the sex is over.

Hmmm...

Now, where did I leave my belt?


End file.
